Nice Change of Pace?

I suppose this would count as the first of the coming wave of football posts. As you loyal Swagites well know, the only sports we really enjoy to the fullest here at Sport Swag are basketball and football. And since the basketball season will finally be coming to an end soon enough, we will fill our days with football news and nonsense. Here's the first; file it under nonsense... extremely homoerotic nonsense.


Of course this came from With Leather, and of course we couldn't resist. This is the new face of our beloved Browns, and that's his hand on his friend's beloved wang. I guess it's a nice change of pace from all the ass slapping he does as a football player. Although I reckon if he tries to change the genitalia patting paradigm from back to front, he'll find resistance.
Violent, ass whooping resistance.

Gilbert Arenas: Douchebag?

In the pantheon of satisfying Cleveland sports moments (and believe me, it's a wee tiny pantheon), LeBron's psych out of Agent Zero at the end of game 6 of the 2006 playoffs ranks very high. For two reasons: LeBron wrote himself into playoff lore by whispering in Arenas' ear, and the Cavs won their first playoff series in 200 years. But I just found a third; I frickin' hate Arenas.
What kind of self obsessed, obnoxious little prick is this guy? Apparently the kind who'll call a press conference to announce he's on the cover of a video game. Even Samus Aron, famous for being a diva, didn't call a press conference when she made the cover of Metroid.

Adrian Wojnarowski does an excellent job of taking Arenas to task in his latest blog entry. Read that here. Well played Woj.

What a douchebag. But even more annoying is the fact that Arenas is not traveling with the Wizards, he's not rooting for them, helping their ailing confidence, trying to get in the Cavs' heads, nothing. Caron Butler is doing everything he can, short of cracking open his cast and jumping on the court in his suit. Caron Butler is a young beast, full of heart, good spirits and team camaraderie.
Arenas is a prick, and there's only one thing he's full of: himself.
And shit. Okay, 2 things...

Kanye isn't the Only Attraction in Chi-town

That's for damn sure.
The Bulls are the toast of the town once again. They absolutely embarrassed the Heat on Saturday, completing an improbable 4 game sweep of the defending champs. So much for the "Baby Bulls." These are men.
And these men may be the best team in the East. Detroit no longer looks like the clear favorite. They can turn it on and off at will, but they don't look nearly as hungry as they did 2 years ago. The Cavs have had the Bulls' number over the last couple years, but as much as I love the Wine and Gold, I think the Bulls just look like a more complete team.
They're fun as hell to watch, playing an 80's style of fundamentals-first basketball. But just to cover their bases they do have Ben Gordon, a Vinnie Johnson-style chucker who will either catch fire and torch you, or be cold as ice. I'm just hoping the Bulls'll be too tuckered after going 7 with the Pistons to go 7 with the Cavs...
Here's hoping.

Game 2s

I feel like George W at an Enron investor's party... everything's coming up Houston. For the second time in 3 days, TMac and Yao dominated Utah in the second half, and snatched victory from their conservative, sometimes polygamist, clutches. Actually, Mehmet looked pretty impressive and gave Yao some problems in the first half. But with his shooting stroke gone cold, the lusty Turk couldn't get it done on the offensive end. TMac was pretty cold in the first half, but he sank 'em when they counted and Houston took a commanding 2-0 lead going back to Salt Lake City.
The Pistons blah-ed their way to another vic against the sorely outclassed Magic. There's really not much to say here other than that the Pistons could win this series in 4 with Rip Hamilton literally playing with his eyes closed. Dwight Howard's shortcomings are being exposed like a roll of film.

Holy Hell!

With Leather has this up, and now I do too. Why? Because it's just the fucking coolest thing I've ever seen.


Watching this makes me want to go to a rave, find the nearest person spinning the idiot-lights on the end of the strings and punch them out.
God I hate ravers, and I love Japanese kids who make the whole scene look worthless and stupid. This dude obviously watched the Smothers Brothers YoYo Man How to Yo-Yo video. I know, because I watched it too... and instantly became Japanese.

New Features at the Swag

The regular season is over, so I removed the scoreboard. It may make a resurgence as we start to blog about Football and (ugh...) Baseball. But for now let's make room for our new Tag Board, brought to you by CBox. It's pretty tight; kind of like an even quicker more visible, less relevant and completely unnecessary version of the comments section (which, by the way, is still there). AND I might add we haven't seen nearly as much commenting as we'd like to, so why don't we all make an effort? So in review: comment ya jerks, but in lieu of that, at least drop some soul on our tag board.

Delicious Cavs News...

In a brief 10-minute session with the media, Gilbert also touched on several other subjects:
o The owner said he would not have a problem paying the luxury tax in order to keep restricted free agents Anderson Varejao and Sasha Pavlovic, who figure to command major dollars in the offseason. Medina Gazette

That's what I want to hear. We need to keep Pavlo and the Brazilian Dandy. Without their tenacious bench play, the Cavs are lost. And Pavlo's blossomed into a legit starter for us. I'm psyched Gilly's gonna throw down the loot to keep us competitive.

Monday, Muddy Monday

Honestly now...

God Shammgod

Him and World B. Free need to hold an annual Ridonkulous Names Charity Streetball Tournament. Apple Blythe Allison Martin (Gwyneth Paltrow's kid) & Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee (Jason Lee's kid) will be the guest MCs for the event.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jewish Jordan? More like Jewish Jud Beuchler. Looking for Mr. Goodman...




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Traylor the Jailer

Think he'll get a new nick name in the Slam?





All jokes aside, I feel bad for the Tractor and, to a lesser extent, the thousands of junkies going without a fix in Michigan...

No that's not a shower of cocaine, it's the backboard silly.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





Cut Short: Dwayne Casey, Bernie Bickerstaff, (soon to be) Bob Hill


Extended: Doc Rivers, Isiah Thomas and (soon to be) Brian Hill





What's wrong with this picture? How the hell are the best 3 coaches out of these 6 awful teams the ones who lose their jobs, while the 3 worst coaches in the galaxy get cushy extenshes? Something weird is afoot...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Cavs and Bulls both lost, Clips and Warriors both lost. So for all my fellow Cavs/Warriors fans out there, hope is still alive, but we've got a hell of an uphill climb. Cavs pretty much need to win the rest of their games to pull a game ahead of the Bulls and lock up a top 4 seed, and to hold off the surging Raptors for the 2 seed. The Warriors need to do the same to gain ground on the Clippers and lock up that coveted 8 seed. All you high school football players, take a knee and say a prayer for Cleveland and Oakland...

J Kidd and Vinsanity: Double Triple Double

Jason Kidd and Vince Carter both put up triple doubles in the same game.

V. Carter 16-28 FG 16 REB 10 ASS 46 PTS
J. Kidd 4-12 FG 16 REB 18 ASS 10 PTS 9 TO

Yes that's right, Kidd was 1 TO away from a quadruple double. Nuts! Has 2 trip dubs on the same team in the same game ever happened before?

Oh Sweet Lord... Y'Know, Wait Just a Second...

It is unlikely that Francis will return next season. The Knicks reneged on a buyout agreement with Francis after Jamal Crawford suffered a season-ending ankle injury. A Cavs source said that the team was made aware of Francis' pending buyout and had internal discussions about acquiring him. New York Daily News

Initially I thought, "Oh great, the Cavs are gonna shell out for some overpaid bum." But then I thought about it. This might not be so bad. If the Knicks buy out Franchise's contract, he'll still bring home something in the region of 30 million over the next 2 seasons from New York. Which means he'll be inclined to accept a bargain basement vet's minimum to play with Bronny. What's more, I think it's safe to assume getting bought out and released by one of the sorrier teams in the league might be the motivation Francis needs to recapture that old fire. He's not that old, and when he wants to he has exhibited that he can still play.
I also think Francis would be motivated to sign a one year deal for the vet's minimum to raise his dollar to sign another fat contract with some poor sucker next year. If Stevie recaptures some of that spark, make no mistake, there'll be a line of chumps waiting to pay him like he's Sam Cassell. Problem is he's no Sam Cassell. But I'd have been happy to take him for the playoffs this year, and certainly for the whole campaign next year. Bottom line is Francis is a steal for under 2 million.
Hughes has been solid running the point for the Cavs, but we need a point guard. A real point guard. That may not be Francis, but for just over a million a year, that's a gamble I'm ready to take. He's never lit it up in the playoffs, in fact I'm not 100% sure he's ever even been to the playoffs, but he's still Steve Francis, one of the best opportunity creators in the league, one of the best rebounding guards, and one of the biggest egos. And that's actually something the Cavs could use a little of. We need some Franchise swagger.

Shocking...

Appearing via phone on the Stephen A. Smith show on ESPN Radio 1050 in New York, Artest said: "I'm not retiring." Citing club sources, ESPN.com's Marc Stein first reported that Artest wanted to retire at season's end. ESPN.com

There's a huge surprise. Artest spoke too soon and now is rethinking his declarative statements. Here's a crazy concept, Ron... SHUT THE FUCK UP. That's it. At all times, just shut up and don't say anything. That way I can avoid having to blind myself with a railroad spike when you inevitably say something stupid and take it back 20 minutes later. Jackass.

Thursday Nuggets

Kobe on the recent Dallas Morning News article claiming he contacted Kevin Durant to pitch him for Nike:

"That's crazy. Don't just print something that's just completely false that makes no sense whatsoever. It's just really unprofessional." Los Angeles Times / March 21

Look, I like Kobe as much as the next guy (read: not at all). And he is maybe the best player on the planet. Nonetheless, his less than sterling reputation, and the Dallas Morning News' basic competence leads me to believe that Kobe's full of shit. It would be one thing if Kobe said, "hey, I admit calling him, but I was just giving him some advice." Or, "hey I called him, but it was just to see if he was mad at me for sleeping with his mother." But Kobe's insisting no contact was made, and the Dallas paper that reported he called Durant on behalf of Nike to throw money at him is simply making up stories as part of the now famous "witch hunt." They should call it a "bitch hunt," 'cause that's what Kobe is. I believe him like I believe Barry Bonds.

On Greg Oden and gooey memories:

Oden disliked basketball as a kid; he preferred riding bikes with his cousins. He didn't play in an organized league until he turned 9, when he and Zoe moved from Buffalo to Terre Haute, Ind. He started playing at the Boys & Girls Club, but his body couldn't catch up with his gangly limbs. Zoe could see his disappointment after a game, and he would cheer up only after she took him to Wendy's for a Frosty. MSNBC.com

I had the same deal with my mom. Only she saw my disappointment after play practice, and I would only cheer up after she took me to Starbucks for a double foam moccachino frappe lemonade double venti non fat espresso.

Greg Oden on freedom:

"College life has been great because I've had my freedom," Oden said. "I have my own place [which he shares with Conley], I can stay up all night, eat what I want, do what I want." Boston Globe

Yeah, I gotta tell you, ever since I was drafted by an NBA team, and started making millions of dollars a year, I get so annoyed with the way my parents have cracked down on my freedom. I used to get to stay up 'til 11:30, even midnight. But since I started pulling down the big bucks, mom says I have to be in the house and tucked in by 7:30 pm. Man college was freedom...

On Pippen's return:

Jackson indicated that signing Pippen was a possibility when the Lakers' roster was decimated by injuries to Lamar Odom, Luke Walton, Kwame Brown, Vladimir Radmanovic and Chris Mihm. Injuries could have allowed the Lakers to add Pippen, but Jackson seems unlikely to ruffle the roster at this point. "I talked to Scottie about it and he said he didn't want anybody to lose a job," Jackson said. Los Angeles Daily News / March 21

I get the feeling this wasn't so much a matter of Pippen not wanting to take someone's job, as Pippen not even being able to take someone's job. Pippen went on to say that the popcorn vendors' jobs at Staples Center were all safe... for now...

Sarunas Jasikevicius on regret:

“I wanted to play in the NBA, I had to try. But I made a bad decision. It was a big mistake to sign with the Pacers. The Warriors game is good for me, but I have had very few chances to prove it. I have a good relationship with Don Nelson but he has the star, Baron Davis, and the future starting point guard, Monta Ellis. I understand that. What I don't understand is why they didn't trade me when they could." El Mundo Deportivo

Yeah, no shit dude. Why the hell you didn't sign with the Cavs is beyond me. Let's do the list; we offered you more money, we offered you the starting job, we offered you the chance to pass the rock to the greatest player to ever lace 'em up, and the chance to play on the same team as one of your best friends from back home (Z). You chose to go pour champagne on hookers' heads with Stephen Jackson and the rest of the criminals on Larry Bird's hit squad (no offense meant to Larry, all praise due unto him...). Now that you've been traded from one team with a glut of guards to another team with a glut of guards, I bet Cleveland's looking a lot more attractive now... chump.

On teammates:

Lakers forward Brian Cook, who has missed three games because of a moderately sprained left ankle, did not accompany the Lakers on their two-game trip. Los Angeles Times

When asked for comment, Kobe replied, "Who the fuck is Brian Cook?

Nene on dual loyalty:

"Right now I only think about the NBA. But if I decide to return playing with the National Team, changes have to be made. Unfortunately, I think I won't play the Panamerican and the pre-Olympic tournaments." Prensa Latina

The Nuggets breathe a sigh of relief, as they now get to have the pleasure of seeing Nene's next season ending injury happen on their home court, rather than in satellite feeds from Rio.

Magic Courting Chauncey?

This is intriguing as hell to me. Chauncey in Orlando kills 3 birds with 1 stone. First, Orlando gets the veteran leadership they'll need when Battie is no longer starting, and Grant Hill finally faces the music and retires. Second, the Magic get the solid shooting stroke and extra scoring punch provided by one of the best pure shooters in the league (maybe the best clutch shooter in the business). Third, the Magic get one of the best point guards in the league, and then have a great trading chip in the expendable Jam Nelson (who becomes worthless with the arrival of Billups). The Magic were feeling gun shy about giving Nelson a fat extension based on his inconsistent play, this way they can let him walk, or sign & trade him for another piece. Now supposedly this would all cost the Magic Darko, but I don't see why. No way Detroit is after Darko, so what're they gonna do, just let him walk? For the 6-8 mil range, I feel like Darko's a steal. So they give Howard 85 mil, they give Chauncey 3 or 4 years at 14 per. They really oughta have money left for Darko at 7 per. Now tell me there's a more evil starting line than Darko, Dwight, Chauncey, Hedo and ________ (insert name here). They would cut a bloody swathe through the Eastern Conference.

Smoketown Beat Down

I just got back from the Warriors Wolves game tonight, to which I had 11th row tickets. Golden State looked better tonight than I've seen 'em all year. They exhibited something I haven't seen from them... ever: defense. They held the Wolves to 36% from the field tonight, including an embarrassing 16% from downtown. I can't imagine what a quiet plane ride the Wolves are gonna have tonight. KG looked scary. It wasn't that he was pissed, or fired up, or disappointed. KG looked like he didn't give a shit anymore. After all the years he's put into this team, it was just heartbreaking to see the warrior, KG, broken. He's checked out, and I for one can't wait to see him in LA next year. He and Kobe will be flat out unstoppable.
For the Wolves, there were few bright spots. Foye had maybe his best game of the year, but it was mostly garbage numbers. KG was the only pulse on the court, save for rookie Craig Smith, who I was very impressed with. Even though his numbers don't show it, he far outplayed Foye. Mike James barely made it off the bench, logging 11 minutes that didn't start until late in the 3rd quarter. It's clear that honeymoon is long over. But the worst performance award has to go to Wrong Rim Ricky Davis, who had a humiliatingly awful night, exacerbated by my non stop heckling. If this game was televised anywhere, I bet I made it on TV. I was yelling for RD to screw up so hard I lost my voice.
For the Warriors, J Rich, BDiddy and SteJax all had nice outings, but Monta Ellis stole the show. I've seen him before, but until you see him in person, you just don't understand. This kid is the future of the NBA. And the future looks bright. He hit jump shots, cut through the TWolves defenses, passed, dunked, he did it all tonight. Some of his drives to the hoop looked like LeBron moves, being done by a guy half his size. He had no trouble dropping soft kisses off the glass against everyone on Minnesota, from KG to RD and he even played a little defense. But the run of the night goes to Mikael Pietrus, another dude with an extremely bright future. In the middle of the second quarter, he hit back to back threes and then got an alley-oop from Jason Richardson that brought the house down. Then he came right back 2 plays later and drained another 3.
I also had a good night, as I cavorted with 2 of the sexier Golden State cheerleaders. I didn't catch their names, so I'll just refer to them as my first and second wives.

G Walls: Get Yer Dollar Up

Gerald Wallace is one of my favorite players in the game right now. Both as a multi pronged Fantasy WMD, and as a solid, versatile swingman. He's one of the few guys in the league that can give Bronny and Kobe fits, he can shoot from anywhere on the court, he's a high flying dunksmith, and he's the polar opposite of Artest in terms of media whoring. He's everything you wanna see out of a combo guard-forward, with the exception of a nagging injury bug that has caused him to miss 154 games over the last 6 seasons. He's the best offensive player and best defensive player on the young Bobcats. So this little bit from the Sacramento Bee is pleasing:

Come July, though, Wallace will have options. He is considered among the top free agents available. The Bobcats seem to place Wallace as a priority and have the spending room to follow through, but they are also amid change. Michael Jordan, the team's managing member of basketball operations, announced Tuesday that coach-general manager Bernie Bickerstaff won't be courtside next season, though he likely will retain his upper-management duties. Still, Wallace said he likes the direction of the franchise. "It feels pretty good to me, the way the organization is going and the way they're putting everything together," Wallace said. "I like the guys they're (bringing) in, so it's pretty much a good situation for me here." Wallace had it good against the Kings, with his squad winning despite his struggles against Ron Artest. The Kings small forward held Wallace to 13 points on 5-for-13 shooting, and Wallace fouled out with 3:37 remaining.

I haven't liked a Gerald this much since this guy.

Vinsanity

Yikes, you get the feeling there are a thousand more where these came from.

Mark Cuban: Badass or just ass?

"I couldn’t deal with the NBA," Cuban said. "There was things that I couldn’t imagine happening in the Finals that happened in the Finals. You don’t even know a tenth of it – stuff I didn’t get fined for and that was just too outrageous for me to even say publicly. And so I was like, ‘I’m done.'"

I'd like to coin the phrase "Cubanized" and use it describe situations where your boss thinks you and he/she have an unspoken understanding, and then you just air the dirty laundry in front of the customers. For instance; your boss lets you get away with spending half your day cruising the Internet, thinking to himself that you will then not dare point out his subscription to www.fatasshoeswithtoysandjello.com, in return. You proceed to announce at the front desk, that your boss has a fascination with hoes, who have large butts and own toys covered in Jello. Your customers book for the exit with no delay, and your boss looks at you like, "WTF dude? I thought we were homeys." That is essentially what Cuban has done to Stern here. And Stern, not being able to fire Cuban, has 2 choices: 1)fine him a shit ton of loot, or 2)let it slide, but remember it for the next time Cuban needs a favor. Fining him means nothing, because he has more money than Cresus, and doing that just draws more attention to what amounts to the equivalent of 9/11 "truthers" spouting whatever ridonkulous thing pops into their imagination. So I'd have to imagine Sterny's gonna let this one slide. As for the question of the day? I'm starting to think Cuban is pretty badass...

First Bounce Fly and the NCAA Tourney

Attention, loyal swagites: I am now going to be blogging for a new sports website called First Bounce Fly. Now you have extra opportunities to lap up the Cap'n's wisdom. Now don't wig out, of course I'll still be running the Sport Swag, and I will not slow my posting regimen even a jot. Not one tittle I tell you. There will now just be double the Cap'n to go around. For starters, I'll be covering some NCAA Tournament games. And as you all well know, College Sports and I go way back. We have a long illustrious relationship, mostly comprised of me trying to conclusively prove that the college kids can't hold a candle to the pros. I feel satisfied that this ground has been tread on enough, so since I can't beat them, I will now join them. Head over to the FBF starting tonight for all the Cap'n cavorting you can handle, and some rundowns on today's action.

George Karl: Douchebag

I have a soft spot in my heart for Karl, because he did take the Cavs to the playoffs in the '84-85 season. That feat puts him in a pretty exclusive club; the Cavs have only seen the postseason 14 times in 37 seasons (We went out in the first round in 10 of those 14 seasons). His colleagues in Cavs coaching legend are also an impressive bunch, other than Karl, the only Cavs coaches to take us into the post season are Bill Fitch, Lenny Wilkens, Mike Fratello and Mike Brown. So, with that little piece of history behind us, let me continue; Karl's a jackass. The bottom line is similar to Artest: these guys will never change. That's all there is to it. Karl, Artest, Terrell Owens, these guys can have a hundred life changing epiphanies in a thousand ashrams in India and it will never cure their dysfunction. They crave it. I once dated a girl like that. If I was nice to her and we didn't argue, she inevitably became, how shall I put this... "itchy." After a short honeymoon phase, she would pick a fight just so we'd have the excitement of fighting. I miss her... Which may explain why Karl, Artest and Owens continually get new chances, we miss the Artest who could be MVP, the Karl who could challenge the mighty ('96)Bulls for the trophy and the TO that can shut the F up and catch touchdowns. But the problem is, for every flash of potential they show, we're that much closer to another meltdown and another media whorefest. Karl's most recent one is calling out 'Melo as a straight up chump, and laying the Nuggets woes squarely at his feet. I watched the Nuggs play the other night and the problem is not 'Melo, per se. Yeah, he's selfish, one dimensional and not great on defense. The league is littered with dudes who don't do it on both ends. 'Melo is simply the best offensive player in the league. He can hit from anywhere on the court and has an unmatched inside/outside game. He can get to the stripe at will and, like his friend DWade, can actually hit his foul shots. He has much to work on; a big ego, an ugly mustache and he hits like a chick, but he's not "the reason" that the Nuggets suck. If you're looking for enlightenment on that one, question why a team with absolutely no need for Allen Iverson would sacrifice Andre Miller, a dude who was integral to their limited success, and salary cap freedom to get him? If anyone's to blame on this team it's Karl and Issel for their boneheaded construction. The way 'Melo, Camby and Nene are playing, if this team still had Miller, Karl would have nothing to bitch about. But he's got to deflect criticism from himself, and the only way this dysfunctional brat knows how, is to call his players out in the media. Regardless of how his words to 'Melo may have gone in one ear and out the other before, he knows from experience with Payton, Allen and Cassell, that calling your dudes out in the media is just gonna make things worse.

Cavs on Fire

We don't need no water. That's right, the Cavs are peaking at just the right time. The most recent spanking was a 24 point bitchslapping applied to the Kings by a Bron-less Cavs squad. It's getting ugly for the rest of the league. With just under a quarter of the season to go and the playoffs looming, the Cavs are suddenly the best team in the East, and when they're on I wouldn't hesitate to throw them in with the top 5 seeds in the West. Buckle up Cleveland faithful, the legacy is about to begin...