The Tale Of The Tape

Today's post will be about the upcoming run off between reigning bag of bones Dick Bavetta and Master of the Classless, Charles Barkley. Let's face it people, they are both old, out of the game, and deserve to be retired. Not to retire, but be retired by somebody else.

Bavetta has been a personal bane of mine for a while now. His failing eyesight and slow reaction time have caused multiple teams to be expelled in the playoffs, not to mention the multiple atrocities committed upon the regular season.

Barkley, another personal bane, will not give the Cavs any credit, no matter what their record, who plays for them, or what kinda of hope they bring to Cleveland.

The call?

It's so hard to pick one over the other given that I hate them both so much. If Dwyane Wade was on the ticket, I'd pick him to lose, but I don't have that luxury. Instead here is my pick:

Barkley wins the contest in 15 minutes (for a mere 235 feet). 7 Minutes in (before either hits the far baseline) Bavetta is distracted when somebody glances in Dwyane Wade's direction. He runs away from the course to call the non-existent foul, completely forgetting he's in a race, drawn to the mystical non-foulness of DWade. Barkley tries to capitalize, yet falls and breaks both knees, after Kevin Johnson preemptively greased his side of the floor. Bavetta and Barkley both crawl to the finish line, only to have Bavetta's heart fail. Barkley wins in a gain for us all, Bavetta is dead, never to judge anyone or anything again. Barkley is humbled by the experience becoming a hermit for the rest of his life.

Let's all pray for this,

Slop